the odds of being alone

my stomach clenches. my heart pounds. eyes burn. bones ache. head throbs. my pulse is racing 100 miles per hour.

then.
NOTHING.
i focus on absolutely nothing.  the tingly feeling soaring through my body slowly vanishes first through my toes, than the fingers as it makes its way to my hollow organ. The butterflies that were fluttering inside me take their last breath one by one. i feel NOTHING. i am NOTHING.

i know that now.
i hold my breath. trying to gain the strength. yearning for the feeling, any feeling to come back to me. but i know its too late. its already gone. it has disappeared into the night like my last strand of hope.

I'll be okay i repeat to myself numbly.

then just like a new born would open their eyes for the first time welcoming the world, i can see now. but its different. its through a new set of eyes. i look at the world around me in a apathetic form. understanding overwhelms me as i grasp what has happened. i have officially lost. control.